There is a big part of bringing a nanny into a child's life that most parents ignore. It is the fact that there chances are very, very good she will not be there until the child reaches adulthood. The days are long gone when a nanny gave up a life of her own to raise generations of children in a family. The truth is it is a mother's job to give her life for her children and you can't hire that devotion out to a stranger. Trying to do so sets a child up for a definite experience of deep loss in their young life. It never comes at a good time, because there is no good time for such a thing.
This all comes to mind because a cousin of mine, who is also a nanny, will be leaving her family to marry and start her own family soon. She is already seeing the anxiety in both the children and parents. She has been there long enough for a definite bond to form with the children and is definitely NOT looking forward to that last day when a child will likely have to be pulled, crying from her side. I've been there. It's heartbreaking.
We do our best to help raise happy, well-mannered, well-adjusted children but in the back of our minds is the day that will come when, either by our decision or the parent's, the relationship is cut short leaving a loving little one caught in the air not knowing who will catch them. We try to trust that the parents are there to do that but honestly loss is loss. Someone that child has come to love and trust and usually sees for more hours each day than anyone else is leaving them. It's the nanny who usually is there to make boo-boos better, feed them and knows all their favorite foods, songs, books, clothes.
Sorry to be such a downer but today the reality of it hit me harder than usual. Each day I see Miss T. become more loving, cheerful, funny, and attached the thought of that coming day haunts me.
3 comments:
There's a lot to be said for motherhood.
I couldn't agree more.
Hi,
I have been a nanny for nearly 4 years for a family. The relationship ended suddenly and painfully a month ago. To the point where they will not speak to me unless I set up a set up a face to face and I have so much anxiety at the prospect, I need to get an advocate to do so, and that is proving challenging.
Last night the baby, who I was closest to (now age 7) called and left a message saying she did not want to get caught, but wanted to say hi and hopes I am having fun.
Because I have relationships with many of her friends parents, I know the story going 'roun is that I went on vacation.
That is true, but is not the whole story.
I know I need to face them. And I will. I will ask for severance, which is one of the issues they refused to address remotely...
But what do I say to the kids?
I do not want to say anything bad about the mom, but I also don't want them to think I just went off to be footloose and fancy free.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I'm devastated.
Dear Anonymous,
This does sound like a very painful situation. Not really knowing the details of the situation nor being an attorney I am limited in the advice I can offer.
Concerning severance pay I would first check over any nanny contract you signed when starting or renegotiated during the job. See if you or they included anything such as sick or vacation time that you may be able to use now. If that doesn't apply, all you can do is ask. The only person who may truly advise you in this is a lawyer. If you don't feel you can do this face to face how about trying it in writing.
The parents need to give you the permission before you attempt any contact with the kids. Again, perhaps this may be more feasible in writing where the parents can review what you will say to them. I wouldn't go about trying to explain "your side" to the children. It is more important that they maintain a good relationship with their parents, who will always be there with them, than their former nanny. The only things to say to them is that you are OK, you hope they are well, you are very sorry you had to leave so suddenly, to be good to their parents, you think of them always, send them hugs and the like. If the parents are OK with the contact you can offer to be a pen pal since they are of school age. Again, if you truly would like to continue a positive relationship with them to say nothing that may be construed as trying to insert a wedge between them and their parents.
It is always hard to leave the kiddos we get so attached to, especially under difficult circumstances. You are in my thoughts and prayers for a quick resolution!
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