Whether you are a parent or a nanny please ask yourself this question. Would you hire yourself to nanny your own children? Do you display the kind of characteristics you would want your children to learn from and emulate? Are you even tempered and kind, neither overly indulgent nor overly controlling? Do you plan for a fun successful day?
The crux of child discipline is often a healthy dose of self discipline mixed with some fun. Without self discipline it is too easy to overboard in many directions, such as being too lenient, or too harsh, or too smothering. It takes self discipline to act like an adult every day but it is the sense of fun that allows you to laugh with the children in your care and not take mistakes (neither yours nor theirs) too seriously.
I don't use any magical behavioral techniques with children. Though I have taken plenty of classes on the matter, there are differing points of view on the subject. I keep things pretty straight forward and simple. It is the same stuff I think we've all heard by now. I use a schedule and properly used time-out are the mainstays (for ages 5 and under) or a sensible, logical consequence for children over 5 years.
"Properly used time-out" IS effective. Some adults misinterpret and misuse time-out is various ways leading to the idea that it is not effective. Each step must be followed for maximum effect.
- To start, a child may not follow a rule they are not aware even exists. We can't assume that Janey knows drawing on furniture is not OK. Therefore, a child first has a rule explained to them age appropriately. Explain the rule, and in the case of drawing on furniture, supervise closely.
- If they break the rule, such as under your acute supervision Janey tests some crayon off the paper she has been given, they are give one warning face to face at their eye level to make sure they have heard it.
- If it is broken again they MUST be given a time-out, no second, third, and fourth chances. They are told why they are receiving a time-out, placed in a safe area within eyesight but not being given any extra attention for a specific amount of time, generally one minute per year of age, set on a timer. I have used microwave timers and little portable egg timers.
- After, they must apologize with appropriate attitude and make amends as appropriate. Amends in this example would include Janey scrubbing the crayon off with adult help if necessary.
- No anger or frustration is shown on the part of the adult either before or after but a stern voice is used in placing the child in time-out. Stern isn't yelling. Stern is the kind of firm voice teachers use that let their students know they won't take no for an answer.
I don't overuse the word no or time-out. I prefer to use positive phrasing when possible, especially with children 5 and under who tend to concentrate on the last few words of a sentence. For example, instead of of saying "No, don't play there." As soon as I see them heading in that direction I would say "Stop. Come play here." At the table I would "Here, use your napkin and dab your chin" over "No, don't use your sleeve." It seems like a subtle difference but it emphasizes what they should do rather than what they shouldn't which gives them clearer direction. I reserve "No" for a firm, direct command, especially when there is no readily apparent redirection. I also don't raise my voice unless the house is on fire or a child is running into the street (would you hire a nanny who yelled at your kids?). It is actually more effective to lower your voice and force them to lean in to listen to you rather than tuning out lots of yelling in an already noisy environment. This is where self discipline comes in.
Concerning other discipline techniques, for nannies spanking is never, never, never appropriate! A parent may be able to use it in a calm, relatively non-violent manner but I won't even discuss its use here because I am not a parent, do not use it, and have never felt the need in any situation I have ever come across. This includes working with "behaviorally challenged" children, strong-willed children, children with developmental disabilities, manipulative children, and having to institute discipline in a household where none was previously used. What has worked in every one of those situations was consistency, stability, and the self discipline to repeat a lesson over and over until it is learned in a consistent, calm, and loving manner.
I hope I am not making it sound more difficult that it actually is because the reality is that with the vast majority of children respond positively to this type of discipline very quickly which then frees you up to enjoy them more. When it becomes very predictable to them how you will handle a given situation, the challenges will grow fewer and farther between, although most children will challenge rules periodically just to see if it still stands.
This is what happens when a child who went to bed without a hitch for months suddenly decides to fuss about it. A few days to a week of consistency, things generally fall back into place again. A single instance of inconsistency however can dramatically draw out this time frame because now the child believes they may have found a way to either wear down your will or they have found some loophole.
There is a lot of good news with this. By getting over the rough spots with consistent use of sensible discipline frees both you and them to enjoy each other more, to be more caring and develop a genuine relationship. This is a way more rewarding relationship that you can get by simply indulging a child until they become unbearable, difficult, spoiled, and embarrassing in public! I look for a balance in discipline that shows respect for a child as a person. They may be a developing person but they are still a person with dignity. No type of discipline should shame a child or make them feel less. Being under the authority of an adult should be a protection to them from that kind of injury.
